If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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