Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
