I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
