at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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