Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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