Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize