dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
