Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
