The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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