eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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