I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
