Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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