dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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