Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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