did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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