Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
