i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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