Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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