So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
