So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
