No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize