yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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