it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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