Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Blood and glitter go together right?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
