Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
