"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
