I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
