If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
