in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
honey bunches of taint.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
