i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
