make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
