I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Are we still banned from the library?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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