Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
