getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
