Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
