We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
