Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
