speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
