i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
