You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
