omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I had to cum in my sink.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
