fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
