Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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