He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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