I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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