I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
