I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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