Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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