shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
