My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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